How Not To Look Like A Tourist

How Not To Look Like A Tourist
Photo Credit: Flickr / Jen SFO-BCN

 

WARNING: In this article I will be picking on any cultural oh dear moment that I can think of, I will be picking on Australians, Americans, Brit’s, Europeans and any and every nationality that I can think of to prove a point, so you successfully know how not to look like a tourist.

If you are easily offended, if you can’t take reading anything that will poke fun at your nationality, if you don’t have a sense of humour first of all, you obviously are a fairly boring person. And second of all, in keeping with that, I would like to take the time to tell you that if you can’t take this, then you shouldn’t be travelling, so bugger off and go and find another article to read.

Please don’t be a noodlehead and register your disgust over my obvious bias article in the comments below. They won’t see the light of day because I have to approve every comment before it’s published publicly and if you are being rude on purpose I will have great delight in deleting them. So now that the warning have all been told, and without any further ado here are some ways on how not to look like a tourist.

Don’t wear a fanny pack

Americans seem to be the greatest offenders and I would like to take the time to say that apart from that alone making it completely obvious that you are a tourist, it just looks silly. Add that to the fact that fanny packs are so obviously a security risk, it doesn’t matter if you wear them on the front of your body they are still really easy for thief’s to get into. Then if you wear it backwards then really you’re just asking for trouble.

They invented those little passport sized bags that hand around your neck for a reason. They also invented those thin packs that you can wrap around your stomach and hide under your clothes for a reason.

Don’t bring a flag with you

I have found we Australians seem to do this a lot, mostly to remind us where we live and to tell other people that yes people from Australia do exist and our country doesn’t just disappear if no one think about it.

We are especially obvious about having the flag as it is usually draped over our backpacks or there is a rather obvious Australian sticker plastered over it. It is brought out at any moment and is usually used a number of different ways, sometimes quite creatively, but the thing is to not be a tourist the first thing you have to do is lose it.

Bring a tiny handheld flag for sporting events if you have to.

Don’t get a highly visible tattoo

Again I’m going to pick on the Australians. It seems like everyone in Australia has the famous Southern Cross pattern tattoo on their body somewhere, the same Southern Corss that is on our flag. It is usually placed on the person’s back on the left shoulder. It boldly points out we are a tourist and is even more obvious than carrying around a flag. Though I have to mention I find it hilariously funny that everyone has the Southern Cross on their back but in our flag there is actually six stars so whoever has this tattoo is always just getting rid of a state in an effort to display national pride.

Don’t have a map

This is usually a worldwide thing. It’s not that you can’t have a map; it’s about not being blindingly obvious about it. Have you ever seen someone at home carrying a map and thought bloody tourist? If you can spot them then it means potential annoying people can.

If you really need to have a map, check it before you leave the hotel or discreetly check while sitting somewhere out of sight.

Don’t open your mouth

Back to the Americans. Got to spread the love around. Again the point of this article is to make wide generalizations, they shouldn’t all be something that you personally do, though if they all actually do please tell me when you are travelling and where. Usually you will only find yourself doing one or two of these things on occasion.

Generally Americans, due I think in part to their own culture Americans always seem to be yelling something, be it when asking directions to the bus stop or just talking to you in general. Maybe it’s because of all the talk shows that seem to dominate the local culture in America, and all the hosts that always seem to be screaming, I don’t know really.

So tone it down. Listen to the locals and whisper. If you are speaking too quietly – doubtful they will always ask you to speak up. But if when talking to the locals you notice the subtle wince and slight step back from your person then you are talking too loud.

This advice is also good because if you don’t open your mouth you don’t give away the accent that you don’t really realise that you have. Everyone has an accent but obviously because you are surrounded by people that speak the say way as you, you are never going to notice it.

Don’t look up

You may really want to look up and see say the top of the building in New York or the roof of those London buildings but don’t.

How many times have you picked out a tourist at home simply picking out the people who were looking up at the strange buildings around you in awe? If you really want to see what’s above you, be subtle about it. Look further ahead when you walk you may not be able to see the building’s roof from right beside you but if you walk around you can do so by looking forwards.

Don’t wear shorts

The British and Americans have joined forces to produce the shorts epidemic. In the Americans case they usually wear those strange things called sweatpants everywhere, while the British just wear the shorts with the socks up to the very cuffs of the shorts so even though there is a lack of pants going down to the shoes, you really don’t see any extra skin at all.

This is a very bad epidemic and nothing points you out as not being a local than those shorts and sweatpants. Both are very ugly and very lazy. You are travelling and you don’t want to even embrace the local clothes as your own, which doesn’t make sense as some of the best adventures come from wearing what the locals do.

 

So now that all the main tourist infractions have been said and knocked to death at least I now hope that you don’t stand out as a tourist so obviously anymore. I know I have missed a few major characteristics of what a tourists looks like so, if you can think of any please comment below.  I will even add some of the best ones into the original article.

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